Imagine kissing someone, whether it's your spouse, boyfriend or sharing a first kiss with a new partner. There is so much hope, excitement, and promise sparking each time lips meet. The future is bright, the horizon a glorious sunset into which we can forever ride. And non-romantic kisses are just as hope-filled -- we pour love on the other when we touch our lips to them ... their cheek, forehead, or top of their downy little head.
(Photo by Matthias Busche of @krautcreative)
What if we lived life like a kiss?
What if we rose each day with the promise that this was the best day we've yet to have?
What if we were as present each moment as we were during a particularly beautiful kiss?
What if we poured love on ourselves as often as we kissed and loved on others?
What if we blazed with desire for life, for living each moment with zest, passion and presence?
Well, I'd like to introduce myself. I was born Kseniya Victorovna Kniazeva in Ufa, a town bordering the Ural mountains in what was then the USSR, and as far east as you can get in Europe before crossing over into Asia. Upon moving to the US, in order to make my difficult name easier to pronounce for my Anglo-Saxon friends, I donned the nickname "Kacee." I've also gone by Casino, KK, Ah-Ksenya (sung to the Lion King anthem), and Miss K.
And yet when the first love of my life started calling me Kisses when I was 20, a play on the fact that I would ask people to pronounce my name as Kissin-ya, I truly found my namesake. It wasn't the name of my birth given by my father without my mother's permission right after she had given birth to me in the hospital, naming me after a Russian Orthodox saint, but a name given by a deep romantic love that resonated most with who I felt I was, and who I wished to be.
Kisses. It's what I wish to do for others, for humanity, for the world: kiss it all better; kiss the tears away; kiss us whole. Kiss us and heal us.
So it's quite fitting that when considering the name of the health consultancy I wished to promote, I chose Kiss + Heal. The act of kissing is deeply healing, don't you know?
Kissing exchanges beneficial bacteria that can give our immune system a boost. Kissing decreases anxiety, releasing oxytocin, serotonin and decreasing the stress hormone "cortisol." These brain hormones bolster bonding and attachment in humans. It can reduce allergic reactions, lower blood pressure, and delay the signs of aging, stimulating the production of collagen.
(Photo by Matthias Busche of @krautcreative)
Evolutionary biologists believe our current culture of erotic kissing stems from more traditional, elemental roots. In ancient societies, mothers would wean their children by chewing up food and passing it to their babies through mouth to mouth contact. Therefore, they believe that when kissing a partner, and exploring their mouths with one's tongue, it stimulates this biological and ancestral memory of receiving nourishment from our ancient mothers, thus increasing mutual trust and promoting pair-bonding.
This is why "Folk & Fondle" is one of the eight means by which I believe we can achieve optimal mind, body and spirit health.
By "Folk," I mean finding your tribe and embracing your community. Loneliness is a bigger killer than even obesity, or smoking!
And by "Fondle," I mean touch more ... and yes, kiss. Did you know the average American gets touched only five times a day while the rest of the world is touched something like 24? Touch your lover, and platonically touch your best friend. Kiss your girlfriends' faces. Kiss the top of your baby's head. Hold your partner's hand. Fondle your dog's ears. Get a massage. Masterbate!
A professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins University by the name of David Linden writes, "Touch is not optional for human development." If babies aren't touched, growth is slowed, self-soothing behaviors become persistent, and unless rectified -- which can happen in as little as one hour of touch a day -- mood, cognition, and self-control issues can be permanent, bleeding into adulthood.
(Photo by Kristina Paukshtite from Pexels)
And touching in adulthood is just as vital, binding partners, reinforcing bonds between parents and children and their siblings, and connecting people in the community by fostering emotions of sympathy, trust and gratitude.
The lack of touch in adulthood is just as problematic as in those wee early years. The homeless populations get touched least of nearly anyone, with most passing them not even meeting their eye.
Never have I felt the lack of intimacy so intimately as when giving a new dear friend on the streets a hug.
“Is this real, is this real?” He kept asking, clinging to me after I asked if I could hug him, and each time he’d tentatively pull away I kept holding on. We stood, huddled statues, in the middle of that sidewalk holding each other for what felt like ten minutes and I nearly wept for this poor man’s palpable lack of connection.
Touch is valuable, important, and absolutely necessary.
Kissing can make you live longer, avoid death by car accident, and even earn more! A study in Germany conducted over ten years during the 80's found that husbands who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived, on average, five years longer. They also earned significantly more: 20 - 30 percent more than their colleagues who didn't give and receive affection before starting their day, and the latter were more 50 percent more likely to be in a car accident.
Platonic touch is just as valuable. Touching your coworker can get them to agree to join you on a project, thereby relieving your stress and work load. It can encourage people to sign petitions, join your charity, return a library book or even leave you a better tip! Baseball or basketball teams that fist bump and high-five the most are more likely to win. A massage can boost your math computation skills, increase your serotonin by up to 30 percent, build better habits, decrease pain, reduce fatigue, and improve sleep. Even a massage therapist benefits from the stress-relieving benefits of giving this medicinal touch. Hugging more frequently scientifically make us happier, releasing oxytocin. Holding your spouse's hand can decrease pain from electric shock, a study found, and holding a stranger's hand does the same, albeit with slightly less benefit. Doctors, teachers and managers who touch more receive better feedback and higher ratings. And according to research, touch is the best form of giving comfort.
And self touch is just as important. Did you know masturbating can reduce UTIs, lower the risk of type-2 diabetes, improve immune function and reduce depression?
And while touch is paramount, consent is even more so. I learned this the hard way recently. Upon returning from a trip to Europe, where in Switzerland three pecks on the cheek are given, and in Italy, two, I hugged my colleagues on the first day back at work in several weeks. Later, one colleague came up to me and told me to please not touch her anymore as it makes her uncomfortable. I completely understood, and promised to never cross that boundary again.
And yet, I so wish she had told me earlier about this boundary, as I'm often effusive with my touch. While the vast majority are so grateful to be hugged or kissed that they thank me profusely, I don't often know when I'm overstepping my bounds. But it is imperative we voice these boundaries, and do them early, as it can fester, as I discovered.
"Can I be honest? You're too happy, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like you." She then said, coming up to me yet again not much later.
"You don't have to like me. We just have to work together," I replied. She then notified management, and I was asked to sit in on two separate meetings discussing the issue. Humbled, with lessons learned, I deeply apologized and promised to never touch her again, indeed, I don't even look her direction.
And while I held her cruel words and this dramatic interaction with my bosses close to my heart the rest of the day, I remembered what Byron Katie had taught me about the three different types of businesses.
There is your business, your immediately present business. Then there is their business, everyone else's business. And then there is God's, or the Universe's, business, and that includes the past, the future, death, natural disaster, and anything else you can't control.
I cannot control what she, or anyone, thinks of me. I can respect their wishes when they tell me something is bothering them, and correct my behavior, of course, but I can't force her to like me. And you know what, I don't want to.
What others say, or think of us, has everything to do with them and nothing, really, to do with with us.
And in the end, she gave me the best backhanded compliment I could have received. Yes, I am happy. And I worked damn hard to get there.
Don't let anyone dim your shine, lovelies. And don't ever dim your own. You are a star. Keep shining.
Some may not like it. Some may be triggered. Be wary of boundaries; when someone does not want your touch or your energy, just put your energy elsewhere, but don't stop loving, don't stop touching (with consent), and don't dim your fucking shine.
You don’t know when a hug can save someone‘s life, or bolster their desire to improve. My new friend told me he promised he would call his children, and apply for a job.
See what a hug can do?
So, in summary, to embrace your Kiss F8, kiss more, touch more, love more ... with consent. :)
With love and healing,
Kisses.
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